Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
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ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Someone just threatened to call me later
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
you stereotypes are all alike
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.