Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Is this a threat?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint