there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
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i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day