I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
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The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
No regrets in 2018
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD