Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
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[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
ok like just. call me at this point
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.