If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
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huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
work smarter, not harder
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.