Autocorrect completely socks
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BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders