Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
You Might Also Like
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My dad is at it again
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Only a mother’s love …
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.