Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.