Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
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[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.