Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
You Might Also Like
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Welcome to the stomach
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
12653.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I love art.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe