ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
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Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting