Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
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Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.