Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
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Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?