A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
You Might Also Like
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it