can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Straight people are cancelled
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Lmao
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.