GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
You Might Also Like
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.