I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
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[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket