Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
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I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Lunatics are gonna loon.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
twitter is a journey