What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?