Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
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Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.