I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
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You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
same bro
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.