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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror