Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
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Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
New menu item
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
We’ve come full circle