I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
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me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell