I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
this is the best day of my life
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
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At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*