went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
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a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.