When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
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Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.