[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
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Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore