I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
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at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Trumpy Cat
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair