A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.