[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
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I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Plant care tips
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
What?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.