[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
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11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not