If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
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Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing