On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
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Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
🤣😈🤣
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”