tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.