ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
You Might Also Like
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
guys i’ve cracked the code
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.