More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
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announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
pizza
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time