why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
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Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night