Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.