You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
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Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.