If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
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Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My patronus is a cheeseburger
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
TODAY