me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
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The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Are we there yet?…
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”