I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
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I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.