Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
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[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
c’mon!
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*