Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey