My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
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Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Y’all ready for this
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.