Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
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Fidel Castro was alive?
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉