Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.