my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
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“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island